Tequila math

Our story so far: A real estate agent showed us the 126-year-old Methodist church for the first time.

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As so many others do, we left the church that afternoon with a mission. Instead of counting souls, our mission was to count our pennies. We had an hour before we were to meet my brother- and sister-in-law for dinner, so I brought a piece of paper and a pencil along with the budget from the folder of dreams we’d created a year before for the Pecatonica church. We bellied up to the bar and Tyler ordered tequila shots for two.

Tequila is my hard liquor of choice. And Tyler must have believed he needed some liquid courage.

We wrote down what would soon become known as the Tequila Budget. We estimated we’d need $5,000 to re-do the ceiling, $30,000 for an awesome kitchen, $20,000 to improve the landscaping and on and on. We talked about everything from the bell tower to the basement flooring, and when in doubt, we guessed high. And when we added it all up (I used the old-fashioned method because I didn’t have a calculator), the total sum—including 126-year-old church and brand-new attached three-car garage—came to $248,600. Which was more than $100,000 less than we’d spent on our first home together a decade previous. If we did it right, our church would have 100,000 times more character than the cardboard box in the suburbs we bought the first time.

That cardboard box served its purpose. It was in a good school district and a village with low crime so it was a good choice for our needs then: We raised Tyler’s teen-age son in it. But when my adored stepson grew up, we no longer needed such a characterless structure. We craved something unique.

A quick look at comparables in the neighborhood revealed we had enough margin to make money if we had to sell it. But by now, I had fallen in love with the beautiful bell tower and the planned quartz countertops and the warehouse-inspired bathroom makeover. I already didn’t want to sell it.

“We need to take another look at it,” my practical husband said.

And then he ordered another shot of tequila.

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Tomorrow: We make an offer. Click here to read.

First look inside the church sweet home

Our story so far: An online real estate description of a church not far from my stepdaughter’s house piques our interest.

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It was Saturday, which is like a workaday Wednesday for a real estate agent, and Tyler found one willing to show us the Methodist church in an hour.

So on our way to having dinner with Tyler’s brother, we stopped by the church to have a look.

It was exactly what we were looking for.

sanctuary before
Instead of a curtain, imagine a fireplace. And instead of a kneeling rail, imagine a huge sectional.

The layout featured a 26-by-36-foot worship space with an overflow area that would be perfect for a kitchen and a main-floor master bedroom. Standing inside the serene sanctuary, bereft of typical church furnishings like pews, pulpits and altars, I could imagine a beautiful great room with a barnwood-beamed-ceiling. I knew immediately it was the right place for us. The only visual noise was the gaudy gold trim and a 12-foot-tall red velvet curtain. The potential to sparkle was there.

overflow area
Imagine a wall of kitchen cabinets inside the overflow area, with an island separating the kitchen from the sanctuary. And that door on the right? That leads to what will become the master bedroom suite.

Upstairs of the overflow, we could have another bedroom and an office. And the wide-open full basement had 10-foot ceilings and three egresses suitable for more bedrooms and anything else we thought we needed.

The building, we found out later, had been built 126 years before, and it looked every bit as solid as a anything lovingly constructed in the 19th century. The much newer roof was in great condition (except for the bell tower roof which the seller disclosed was “rooted,” which we took to mean was “rotted”). And the extra-large wooded lot left room for the garage of Tyler’s dreams. Even better than the high ceilings, this church was cheap. Cheap enough that we could buy it for cash and have enough money left over to fill the blank slate with features we loved.

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Tomorrow: How much cash and how much liquid courage is required to tackle a renovation project of this magnitude? Click here.

Like the moments between buying a lottery ticket and learning you’d lost

Our story so far: We decided to give up the nomadic life, and an old Methodist church appears in the real estate listings. Chapter 1 continues …

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I had wanted to buy and renovate an old church for ages. Not as long as I had been playing office as a little girl, but for at least a couple of decades. The cathedral ceilings, wide-open loft-like layout and character details like stained glass appealed to me.

In fact, my husband Tyler and I had looked seriously at a church only a year ago. It was on tree-lined street in Pecatonica, Illinois. At the time, we had been serious enough about buying the 125-year-old structure and converting it to our home that we’d met with an electrician, a plumber, a plasterer and a window installer getting guesstimates on renovation costs; it was a zoo that day with contractors crawling around inside and outside the building. We were what they call in the trade, “serious buyers.” I wanted that church so bad then. I thought it would be the perfect answer to a wish I’d made 10 years before.

I was living a tumultuous year then. One so ridiculous and unbelievable, I wrote a book about it. But to summarize, it was the year I moved out of the house I shared with my husband of 16 years; eventually, we divorced.

Among the entries in a diary I’d kept during that time was a page where I described in list form (of course) how I envisioned the rest of my life. What is important to know is that I made this list when I was no longer coupled and before I met Tyler, the man to whom I am now married, so theoretically, this list reflected my true wishes, unaffected by anyone else with whom I might be living.

Near the top of the list, I wrote that I wanted to live in a loft in the city.

Well, that didn’t happen.

When we were considering the church in Pecatonica, we lived in a big box of a house in the suburbs. It had 9-foot ceilings and what some might consider an open floor plan, but no one would consider it loft-like.

The church in Pecatonica was a smokin’ deal, and by hot I mean it would have cost less than most cars. Let’s just say, it needed a lot of work, otherwise known as a blank canvas to take on every Pinterest dream associated with “loft,” “barn,” “converted church” and “open floor plan.” And the church was located in the center of, well, I think technically Pecatonica was a village, so “city” is a stretch, but to be fair, it was within walking distance of the post office, hardware store and local watering hole. And I thought it was destiny that I might be Monica from Pecatonica.

messy filesI kept everything about the church in a neatly labeled accordion file with folders for “flooring,” “taxes,” “real estate” and “budgets.” As we made our offer, contingent on an inspection, we also salvaged a chunk of the flooring to get it tested for asbestos. Asbestos, as you may or may not know, was commonly used in building materials in the mid-20th century. And it causes cancer.

The church flooring was full of the stuff.

So we rescinded our offer.

I was disappointed, no denying it. But for about three weeks, it was like the time between buying a lottery ticket and learning you’d lost. Those 48 hours when you might win $400 million dollars is filled with extravagant fantasies, and fantasizing is fun. So I was like, “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” you know the drill.

Back then, a year ago, we decided that instead of buying a church, we would sell our home and travel the country in our RV. So I threw my disappointed energy into cleaning out the house in anticipation of selling it. I dumped literally a ton of paperwork and went to the Goodwill at least seventeen times donating accumulated junk we would no longer need. What we valued but couldn’t bring with us in the camper, we packed into a cargo trailer.

One of the things that made its way into the storage trailer was that folder with information about a church we had decided not to buy. By every account, it was meaningless and I should have thrown it away. But I still had a secret desire for a church. I believed words had real power in the universe, and I think there’s a big difference between praying “God, just get me through tomorrow” and “God, please bless me.” One is a desperate plea and one is hopeful prayer. Words matter. Intentions have power.

Now, in the moments between looking at the Methodist church online and getting to see it in person, I remembered that folder of information about the Pecatonica church. And I thought I remembered precisely where I’d stored it. So I dug up the key to the cargo trailer, and I put my hands on that folder within five seconds of opening the door. Between the shadeless lamps and tubs labeled “winter clothes,” I’d filed the paperwork of dreams right inside the door.

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Tomorrow: Our first in-person look at the old Methodist church. Click here.

Why now? And why a church?

Chapter 1

Tiny flakes of snow fell on the northern Illinois landscape when we woke on Oct. 28, 2017.

“What are doing here?” I asked out loud, not expecting any answer.

We were squatting in my husband’s second cousin’s yard, a green square acre surrounded by harvested corn fields. Our home was the 40-foot fifth-wheel camper we had been living in since January. The first six months on the road, we traveled America’s west coast visiting some of the country’s most picturesque national parks, stopping at iconic roadside sites and imbibing on coastal vineyards’ most delicious offerings.

Until the proverbial good news and bad news was delivered.

The good news was we were going to be grandparents! We were thrilled, but we also suspected our unmoored status would prove to be problematic in forging important bonds with our new granddaughter.

The bad news came in the form of a resignation. Tyler’s long-time and highly valued assistant in his business quit to pursue a full-time career. I was tapped to handle the agency’s paperwork and customer service. As a little girl, I played office at a desk with a notebook, a pencil, a telephone (connected only to thin air back then; sometimes now I wish it were still unconnected) and a stapler, so theoretically, I’d just been hired for my dream job. But juggling dozens of account and reams of files was troublesome—at best—in a 358-square-foot camper.

So we’d decided to give up the nomadic life and once again become homeowners. Weeks of scouring online real estate listings and several showings revealed only this: We couldn’t afford what we really wanted. And what we could afford would require tens of thousands of dollars in renovations to remove the previous owners’ bad taste.

Finally, we came close enough to making an offer to schedule a second showing on a tiny-but-could-be-renovated house with a miles-off view of a lake. But the showing fell through when someone else beat us to an offer.

Ugh.

That very afternoon, my discouraged-but-ever-persistent husband found an interesting listing in the commercial category of a nearby real estate firm.

An old Methodist church was for sale only a few miles from where my stepdaughter resided.

church in all its glory
The church, in all its “for sale” glory.

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Tomorrow: Chapter 1 continues with a description of a different church we almost made into a home. Click here.

And so it begins: A real-time memoir about renovating a 126-year-old church into a home

Well, we’re committed now.

Or should be.

We bought a 126-year-old Methodist church that’s been vacant for sixteen months, looks like it’s had water in the basement on a regular basis and has holes in the roof of the belfry. The pews are gone. The altar has been removed. The pulpit? Gone. (But if you need a cassette tape of an old sermon or a print of Jesus, we can hook you up.)

The church is going to be an awesome sanctuary of warmth and family at some point, but first we have to demolish the paneling, fix the leaks, install miles of PEX and wiring, and redecorate.

And I’m going to write about every last up and down. Right here. Beginning right now.

If you’re addicted to HGTV, you’re gonna love this. If you think an afternoon of “First-Time Flippers” is high entertainment, you absolutely need to subscribe. Right now. Right there–on the right. Click the “Follow Blog via Email” button.

If you think we’re nuts, we’re either going to prove you wrong, or you’re right and you’ll find this whole story amusing.

Here’s how it’s going to go down: I’m writing this blog like a memoir. It’s going to be an odyssey, no doubt about it, so someone ought to benefit from our one-way journey to house heaven or hell, I figure. But I’m doing it in more-or-less real-time. So unlike most memoirs, where the protagonist thinks about all the things she’s learned and benefits from some perspective before finishing her story, this tale will be written as it happens. Because it’s a blog afterall, and rubberneckers love a good accident. My goal is to write at least a few sentences every day.

You’re in the right place today, because the first paragraphs of Chapter 1 will be published tomorrow, and the rest of the story will unfold in serialized fashion. Future subscribers might want to begin at the beginning, but I’ll try to make that easy.

I’ve already invested in work boots, and I’m putting on my work gloves. Join me for the ride.